my name is luka...

i live on the second floor
i live upstairs from you
yes i think you've seen me before
if you hear something late at night
some kind of trouble some kind of fight
just don't ask me what it was
just don't ask me what it was

just don't ask me what it was.

- luka, suzanne vega.

life with snuffy hubby and the little one has presented me much opportunity to blog.

there've been so much happiness within our little household that's been hard to contain within these four walls.

but i've often wonder how i'd blog about those occasions, or instances, without sounding blissfully ignorant. again, i started to dislike my joyful writing.

so i stop myself from doing so whenever i get the impetus to write when i'm happy. i rationalize that the world could use more reflection than my happy thoughts. i contradict myself, since i love to read snuffy hubby's random posts about our little one's gas extravaganzas.

i decided to blog today after baking two batches of cupcakes for the colleagues at RIJC, because i haven't been able to shake some irritating memories that resurfaced after watching an episode of the Oprah show.

it was on partner abuse. and i found myself nodding at every point Oprah and her expert guest made about the warning signs of escalation.

yes, i'm a victim of partner abuse. he came before snuffy hubby. and i'm sick and tired of keeping quiet and letting some people think that he was the victim.

i'm breaking my silence in hopes that victims of abuse may find this useful and perhaps find a way to break the cycle.

1) When your friend tells you she is being abused by a partner, chances are, she is.

when your friend tells you this, listen to her. listen to what she's saying in its entirety before offering words of your own. and please, don't ever question her perception of 'abuse'.

when i confided in a few girlfriends about the things my abusive ex did to me, some of them doubted the truth of my words. they knew my ex from the same crew of people, and somehow refused to believe he was capable of such things. they were still extremely skeptical when i detailed the abuse to them.

i stopped talking to them, and wondered if anyone else would believe me.

i can imagine why people wouldn't. after all, many knew me as an unshakable, confident person, who would have no qualms about leaving a relationship that wasn't going to work out. but an abusive partner can tear even the strongest spirit apart, because you've already given him your heart. and in order to make the relationship work, you will do whatever it takes to make him happy.

2) He starts to keep tabs on you.

these people start off as real charmers, who would be everything you want them to be.

as soon as they gain your trust and love, they start their little mind games that befuddle you to no end.

i was working around chinatown, and he worked at harborfront. before we got together, i had the occasional lunch with some friends who worked around the area. of course, i didn't think things needed to change just because i was attached. but he called one day, and i told him i'll be meeting L and C for lunch. he seemed okay with it, then hung up after a few minutes of chatting. he called back almost immediately to demand why i didn't ask him to join us for the outing, to which i replied that it would be rather inconvenient for him to come down to our area given such short notice, and that we could always arrange another lunch outing. he started to question if i didn't want him around because i was hiding something from him. i was really weirded out but said that if he really wanted to join us, he could. then he said i wasn't sincere about it, and hung up.

there were many such incidences, and he would accuse me of preferring to spend time with my friends than him...when he knew those friends as well! and he would forbid me to go for certain group outings because he felt certain guys in that group were interested in me. he obviously did not trust me, and when i confronted him about the trust thing, he said matter-of-factly that i had to EARN his trust.

3) By acceding to his requests for company and less of that with your friends and family, you start to distance yourself from those who really matter.

you may not think it's deliberate, but he is isolating you from your support system so you'll perceive him as your sole source of support.

i had gone to a counselor to try to help him with his anger management issues, and she told me about a woman who, after many years of abuse, decided to get out of the household. she said she didn't know how to leave her husband because she distanced herself from her friends and family after they kept persuading her to leave him. when she finally got the courage to do so (she still had to do it while he was out), the support center found her a shelter to go to. less than a week into it, she went back to her husband. she probably felt so alone that even though she knew what awaited her return, she still went back to him because he was the only person she had who would even bother to care about her.

my ex had somehow managed to make me feel so horrible about myself that i actually started to believe him when he said he was the only person who could tolerate being with someone like me.

sounds like an obvious deal breaker, but my self-esteem was so low that i believed him.

4) He wants you to own up to things that he insists you did, but you know you didn't.

he wanted to know how many people i've been with before him, and doubted the number i gave him. he had his own take on the number of relationships i've had, and forced me to "admit" it, and said he just wanted to know, and then we can move on from that.

there is no moving on from such nonsense. once they get you go admit something, they'll latch on to that nugget of information and use it against you for the rest of your relationship. and most of the time, you own up to things you have never done purely because you want to move past the questioning and get on with your life. and you trust that once you give in, he will forget about it and move on. fat chance.

5) Jealousy.

jealousy is not a virtue, even though some may feel it to be. some people think it's nice to have their partners be a tad bit possessive because they then feel they belong to them.

i used to salsa. a lot. and so did he. and since we met on the dancefloor, i thought we both loved the dance so much that we'd continue social dancing even after we got together.

i had to teach classes for most nights, so he would go social dancing at the salsa club while waiting for me. on nights when i suggested going to the club to dance a little, he would say that i'd rather go dancing than spend time with him alone. and even as he reluctantly agrees to go to the club at times (it was a rare occasion for me already), he'd restrict the people i danced with. i had to give up dancing with so many of the people i used to salsa with.

6) He abuses you.

many people think of abuse as physical. physical abuse is visible, hurts, and should never be tolerated.

but emotional and mental manipulation is abuse too. and most times, people can't tell if someone's been emotionally downtrodden from this until it's too late. this was what my ex did to me.

he also physically restrained me from leaving the room, the house on many occasions. at times, he'd lock me in the room. fearing for my safety, i'd give in to whatever he wants...and most times, it's about admitting to things i didn't do.

there was this one time he physically restrained me and i struggled under his grip. when he released me, there was a bruise on his arm and he said that i whacked him. imagine, he still managed to turn it on me.

we were on holiday once and he had accused me of not caring for his feelings, and that i should've done this and that...and when i walked towards the door to head out, he pulled me back and pushed me onto the floor so hard that my head hit the ground. at that point, i wished i would just black out and not wake up to go through what was coming.

i left him right after we returned to singapore.

he stalked me for a while and even came to my parents' house, climbing up the gas meter to reach my window (i stayed in an HDB executive mansionette on the 10th storey). he even tried to turn my parents on me, telling them family issues i told him in confidence. unfortunately for him, he failed to realize how close i was to my parents still, and they knew everything i told him.

my parents struck down everything he said, and told him to quit bothering me again. they did it with such style but that's another story.

one more thing. he used religion against me, saying that i was the horrible person i was because i wasn't christian.

before we even got together, i had informed him of my stand on religion and asked if it was going to be an issue. he said it wouldn't be.

my parents obviously had a field day with that comment because they go to the same church as him.

this list isn't exhaustive, but i hope you can take something away from the experiences i've shared.

don't let yourself be sucked into the cycle, because it never ends, no matter how much he promises you it will.

and it happens to men as much as it happens to women.

take care of yourself. there's a lot more to life than dealing with people who believe they're the only ones who can deliver us from ourselves.

and thank you, snuffy hubby, for being a good friend through my whole ordeal.

Panda and Simon as well, for believing in me, and standing up for me.

i realize this is far from good writing but, for the first time, i don't care.